Things I Did To Ruin Your Life

“I loved you. I was a pentapod monster, but i loved you. i was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais.” -Nabokov
Tue Jan 6


Broke in to your room while you were at Six Flags and stole most of your weed. 



Travelled through time and made your mom drink alcohol while she was pregnant with you, causing you to be mildly retarded.

Mon Jan 5



broke an entire bottle of wine on your antique desk and in a half assed attempt to clean it up destroyed the imac you had purchased that morning.



Told your best friend that you told me about that miscarriage that no one was supposed to know about and threatened to kill her with voodoo if she ever contacted me again.



When that “last minute business trip” came up and I couldn’t go up to the Midwest and meet your family right after your father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I was actually in Orange County smoking a lot of weed and surfing.



Those traumatizing nightmares of all your childhood fears feeding on your screaming body? I whispered those to you as you slept.


What do you get when all of our favorite shows are on at the exact same time? Nothing. No TiVo space, no personal enjoyment and certainly no right to have any idea what’s going on in the show you’ve watched religiously for the last four years. 


That mysterious allergic reaction you got one morning while you were eating your cereal?  Almonds for your nut allergy. It was a present.


While you were sleeping, I got your phone, and changed the digits in different peoples phone numbers. Just for fun.


When I told you I accidentally put the red shirt in with all of your whites I was lying.  And now you are wearing pink.